The Judge, Be careful what you commit too!

I have made a lot of good friends on Newsvine and met some very interesting people. One thing I have noticed lately is that we have far too many articles that bring out the worst in each of us in some form or fashion. So today I decided to post this in hopes of giving everyone who visits this column a good laugh.

We have some serious issues going on in our country, in our fellow countries and the planet its self. Sometimes the best medicine to our current worries is to step back from the things that we fear or the things that we are uncertain about the solution of how to resolve them. We all bicker back and forth about politics, the economy, the judicial system, etc. Well this one time I want to see us laugh, see us have a conversation with our fellow viners that don't prompt anger, frustration, and hateful responses. Please read carefully and enjoy!

A Texas Chili Contest

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
loud,then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Just
couldn't resist sending it!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the

first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of
the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off
about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
a
parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last
moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking
for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't

be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer
during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards
from the
event:

(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge
# 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed
from
all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of
lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead, and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told
her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it
will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand
behind me
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress,
as he's cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the
-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili.
Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd
have
reacted to really hot chili!